i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
