He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
