Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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