just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
