the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
