Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
