none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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