I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
