I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize