I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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