The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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