tell your sister to shave her snatch
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
