Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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