My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
