Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
