dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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