just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lo siento on account of my penis...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
