So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
