I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
