i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
