Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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