Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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