she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
