Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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