he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
