She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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