my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
