I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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