take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
