Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
