Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As shirtless as possible
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
