I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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