I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
