Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
