Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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