I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
