I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
