Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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