Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
