Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
