Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
