I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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