do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
