:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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