whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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