Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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