By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
