She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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