And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
