so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
