Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
