guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
