Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
