2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
