I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
