dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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