My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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