my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
